One of the saddest and most significant statements in the word
of God with respect to a father’s role regarding his children is the final
verse right at the end of the Old Testament in the book of Malachi:
‘He will turn the hearts
of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their
fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.’ (Mal. 4:6)
In the wider context of the book of Malachi, this verse seems
to dovetail with earlier verses about the increasing practice in those days within
Israelite society of husbands breaking faith with their wives and not being
faithful to their marriage covenant (as we saw in an earlier blog, cf. Mal.
2:13-16). An ‘easy come, easy go’
attitude towards divorce always carries with it consequences for children who are
caught up in the separation of their parents.
The children too often end up being brought up by a struggling single
mother and are effectively abandoned by their father (although if the woman
remarries then a step-father can fulfil some of the role and responsibilities
that the biological father should have done, but no longer does). I believe that this is what Malachi is
referring to in 4:6 – distant, estranged fathers who no longer carry their
God-given responsibility towards their children. The relationship between such fathers and
their children often ends up broken and embittered on the part of their
children. If you bring children into this world, then it is your responsibility to
stay by them and bring them up.
God says that the widespread and uncorrected occurrence of this
blight of fatherlessness in families brings a curse onto the social life of a
nation. That’s a strong statement! However, the redemptive ministry of Christ
can bring about the necessary healing, reconciliation, and transformation in
family relationships, of course.
Women as mothers have an inner bond with their children which
is instinctive and undeniably very deep, and this is a natural consequence of
having carried them for nine months in their womb before they were even
born. Men do not and cannot carry unborn
children within them, and so, although as fathers they do also develop a deep
bond of affection and love for their children as the years go by, this bond is
different to that of the children’s mother.
Although ideally it should not happen, yet experience in human life
demonstrates repeatedly that men do sometimes forsake their children, for
whatever reason, leaving their wives to cope on their own as single
mothers. In the UK, around 24% of
children in primary schools now come from single-parent families.
Furthermore, research has shown repeatedly that children who
grow up in fatherless homes are at a higher risk of poverty, of struggling in
terms of educational attainment, of experiencing emotional insecurity and low
esteem, of having issues with anger and difficulties in their social
relationships, of getting involved in inappropriate sexual relationships and
the consequences of these, and, for boys, this leads to higher incidences of
abuse, crime and imprisonment in adulthood.
Statistically, the prevalence of such problems is much lower in homes
where the father remains faithfully present. Smail summed this up in the following
way:
‘For myself, I have always been a
bit of a worrier, far more the pessimist than the optimist, and I have always
guessed, without being psychologist enough to prove it, that the lack of a
father in early years has had more than a little to do with it. Thus for me a father means somebody who is
able to regulate the life of his children from a centre outside themselves, to
pull them towards wholeness, to accustom them to obedience and so to offer them
security… I have noticed that those who grow
up in home where father fulfils his function in a reasonably satisfactory way
are that much more likely to have an integrated personality, to be able to cope
healthily with the claims of authority, and to have a confident stance towards
life that keeps them from many weakening anxieties and crippling fears.’[1]
The two most common occasions when a man for whatever reason
abandons his partner and (perhaps still unborn) child, are:
·
When a child is conceived
through premarital sex. The (often young
and immature) man is afraid of the responsibility he then faces as he realises
what he has done, and he simply runs away from the situation, abandoning both
mother and unborn baby.
·
In the period after a
baby is born and through infancy. This
period of life is always highly pressurised and stressful, and it can stretch
even the most stalwart and committed parents beyond the limits of their strength. Some marriages (or cohabitation
relationships) crack under the strain of this with the result that the man gives
up and leaves.
Both of these scenarios are a call to the man/father to learn
to live and relate responsibly. The
first scenario would not happen if the young man lived in the light of the
teachings of the word of God and related honourably to the girl and her family
before marriage. The second is a call to
him to grow up, to mature and to develop long-term resilience after the woman
becomes pregnant and gives birth to their child(ren). The blog on the unsung hero develops this point.
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