It is a very natural and common thing for younger boys to have
favourite sports stars or popstars. Take the world of soccer, for
example. Teenage fans know the names of all the top players and regularly
watch them playing. They put posters of their favourites all over their
bedroom wall. And when they are practicing by themselves or kicking a
ball around with their mates, they imagine themselves dribbling like Maradona,
bending it like Beckham, or celebrating like Ronaldo. In their heart,
these players or others like them are their heroes and role models. They
look up to them, they respect if not adore them, and they want to emulate them
in their various skills.
This reflects a God-given instinct in males to want to become
significant in life; to become a man who overcomes and wins; to become a man of
influence, a man who is known and respected.
Every young boy has a potential champion within him. So boys instinctively look for someone who
can call out this champion in them; for someone of significance whom they can
follow and with whom they can achieve; for someone who calls them to higher and
greater things; for someone who encourages them to dream, and to believe that
they can become bigger and greater, and go further than they have yet done. They
look for a role model.
However,
this instinctive search for significance inevitably means that the present
generation of teenagers and young men who are being brought up under the daily
influence of social media, will sometimes be affected to whatever extent by
unhealthy, toxic or extremist influencers whom they have viewed and listened to. They find role models in the wrong
place. The potential
consequences of following such influencers are perhaps better imagined than
described, especially if these young guys lack good examples and positive role
models around them in daily life who can challenge what they are viewing and
imbibing.
Furthermore, many young men in our generation seem to be
confused and lacking confidence about their role and value in wider
society. This is hardly surprising as it is simply the fruit of a
generation or more of almost incessant liberal propaganda, consistently echoed
by the media, which has downplayed the value of men generally as husbands and
fathers in a concerted attempt to deconstruct and dismantle their traditional
role in the family.
These three points suggest strongly that boys need healthy role
models and mentors in their life as they grow up, older adult males who can
serve as good examples for them in character and in behaviour, and who can also
give them the wisdom and understanding they need from time to time as they
grapple with the varied paths and issues of life. As the senior male
figure in the home, as one who has already lived for many years and learned
many lessons in life, and as one who is present and around the home on a daily
basis for his son to observe and get to know, a father is uniquely placed to
influence and shape his son’s life for good, by being the model and mentor that
his son needs.
One of the central thrusts of the role of fatherhood is to be a
life model and mentor for sons. To be effective as a role model, a father
has to lead by example in the context of a real-life relationship with his
son. This is
his God-given responsibility. A father should aim to become the hero that
his son needs and that he can look to in the nitty-gritty issues of daily
life. An effective father can wield far more influence for good on his
son over the long-term than any influencer on social media or any well-known
figure in the sports world. Unfortunately, too many of these fail in
their personal life away from the screen or playing field, showing that they
are unable to successfully carry the full weight of the all-round challenges
and demands of adult life.
As a spiritual father, the apostle Paul made it his duty to
consciously live his daily life in such a way that he could provide younger
believers an example of how to live as Christians. That he was successful
in this, is suggested by the fact that he had developed enough observable moral
authority in his personal life that he could repeatedly exhort younger
believers in his epistles to imitate him.
He also exhorted these younger believers to live as examples and models
to yet other younger believers elsewhere:
‘Even though
you have ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in
Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you to imitate me.’ (1 Cor. 4:15-16)
‘For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals
with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives
worthy of God...’ (1 Thess. 2:11-12)
‘Whatever you
have learned or received or heard from me – put it into practice.’ (Phil. 4:9)
‘Join with
others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live
according to the pattern we gave you.’ (Phil. 3:17)
‘In
everything set them an example by doing what is good…’ (Titus 2:7)
‘You became
imitators of us and of the Lord… And so
you became a model to all the believers in Macedonia and Achaia…’ (1 Thess. 1:6-7)
Using this paradigm, Christian fathers should seek to develop
and demonstrate sound moral and ethical character in their personal
life. This then gives them spiritual authority to influence their
son. Although such character can never be perfect, it needs to be
sufficiently grounded enough in their life for them to be able to say to their
son, ‘Imitate me. Follow my example. Do as I say, and do as I
do. Become what I am.’ They should do this knowing that as their
son does imitate them, then he will learn to walk in the ways of the Lord and
avoid the moral and ethical pitfalls of life.
Put another way, Christian fathers should consciously aim to
live in such a way as to provide not a perfect role model (because none exists
except in Christ himself), but a model of daily living grounded in applied
Christian principles which is such that, if imitated by their son, it will
guide him well in the pathways of life and faith. And fathers should do
this proactively, because they know that their son needs and will seek role
models as he grows up that he can look to and aspire to be like. A
positive, fleshed out, observable, and respected homegrown role model is far
more likely to be respected and imitated, and therefore be effective over the
long-term, than an unhealthy, superficial and in the end deceptive role model
which is viewed only on social media or a playing field.
However, fathers should also bear in mind that the opposite of
this is also true. Not providing a good example for his son to follow,
and therefore effectively saying, ‘Do as I say, but don’t do as I do,’ is
highly counterproductive. Allowing himself to take liberties which he
should not take, negatively affects his life model. Setting a bad example
leads directly to the loss of moral authority. The net result is often
that the son effectively says, ‘I will follow your example. If you do it,
I can do it. I will do the very things that I see you allowing yourself
to do,’ and it’s impossible then for the father to say that his son can’t or
shouldn’t. It’s too late, the damage is done and the consequences
follow. In this respect, over the long-term a father’s hardest ongoing
work is not with his son, it is with himself. He has to consistently be
what he wants his son to become. If he hopes to keep his son on the straight and narrow path, he first
has to keep himself on that path.
Higher standards are always expected of those who are in
leadership or who aspire to become leaders, because we expect them to lead us
and show us the way forward. We want to
be led by people who know both how to live right and to do things right.
To expect to have followership is not a right, it is the reward of those who
lead well and thereby create trust through their integrity.
The life and career of king David is instructive in many
ways. A man after God’s own heart, anointed with his Spirit, he had
everything any man could ever dream of. He stepped up to the mark as a
young man and won a great victory over Israel’s enemies, killing the giant
everyone else was afraid of. He became a hero overnight. He was a
fearless warrior, and soon became the military general all the soldiers wanted
to follow. He gained status, position, riches, prestige and popularity,
he married the king’s daughter, and after many years he became the king
himself. He was a man every younger man would look up to, respect, and
want to emulate.
David’s life can be split broadly into three parts. The
first part encompassed his youthful years before he killed Goliath, when he was
still living at his parents’ home and working as a shepherd. The second
part began when he was thrust into the limelight after his victory over the
giant. Fame, status and position followed and, after then enduring a
prolonged and difficult time under Saul’s threats, David eventually became
king. In between times he also became a husband and father. Apart
from the questionable but common practice among kings in those days of polygamy
and keeping concubines, everything seemed to be going well. However, the
third and final part began with his adulterous liaison with Bathsheba.
This unwise and shockingly sinful episode, involving both adultery and the
killing of her husband Uriah, irreversibly changed both David’s life and his
family life forever.
This sorry tale,
recorded for us in 2 Samuel chs.11-12, serves to illustrate the potential
consequences of sexual sin, and it is a warning to every man who is a husband
and father (1 Cor. 10:11). The
unwillingness to control himself when he was in a lax frame of mind, flirting
with and entertaining sinful desires in his heart, and then yielding to a
deceptive and seductive temptation in a moment of vulnerability, marked a
turning point in David’s life, and it led to unforeseen and tragic consequences
for everyone concerned, especially for his family. The
passion of uncontrolled sinful desire caused David to lose perspective on the
potential consequences of sin.
In Samuel Brengle’s words, sin did not leap upon David fully armed, it
came in through a look, a swift suggestion, and an imagination.[1]
In the words of Ephesians 4:27, David ‘gave the devil a foothold’
in his life. These words show us that
Satan can gain access into our life through sin, and they suggest pointedly to
us that we should not play with sin or take it lightly. If we do, Satan will never be far away from
getting an open door into our life, making it easier for him to bring about a
time and place of temptation, or to throw his fiery darts into us (Eph. 6:16).
Entertaining sin in his
life empowered Satan against David, allowing Satan’s influence to gain a
foothold in his life to trap him. This then began to influence, trap and
destroy others through him. In order to cover up the fact that it was
he who had made Bathsheba pregnant, David hatched a deceptive plan involving
her loyal husband Uriah (which failed), and afterwards arranged for him to be
killed on the battlefield. David then
married his pregnant widow, adding further to his polygamous household.
When his sin was uncovered to him by Nathan the prophet, David was
conscience-stricken and Psalm 51 records his genuine repentance. However, although God was gracious enough to
forgive him, David still had to face the ongoing consequences of his actions;
he was not absolved of these. We need to
consider his actions not simply from the perspective of his being a king or a
husband, but also of his being a father.
One man’s sin meant that the life of his whole family suffered. Giving
place to sin in our life has a ripple effect: it first affects our own personal
life, and then, through us, it can begin to affect those close to us, and then
yet others. Our negative example
is empowered to affect our children and other people. If the devil can get a foothold in our life,
then he has got into our marriage and our home, and he will then try to go a
step further and get into our children’s lives also. If
this is not dealt with thoroughly through whole-hearted repentance, it can then
potentially lead to a generational pattern of ‘steal, kill and destroy’ down
through our family-tree (John 10:10).
A foothold in our life which
is undealt with may eventually also become a stronghold, and then a
stranglehold in its varying degrees of destructive influence. In the words of Hosea, we sow the wind, but
we reap the whirlwind (Hos. 8:7).
Nathan’s prophetic words to David that the sword would never
depart from his house and that calamity would come upon him out of his own
household, must have been crushing. The
child of the adulterous liaison died soon after he was born, and David’s family
life was never the same again; everything went downhill from that point
onwards.
David reaped what he had sown.
With the same measure he had used himself, it was measured back to
him. His negative example of (polygamy
and) sexual sin bred sexual sin in his sons, and murder bred murder. His sons imitated his bad example. The narrative goes on to record in subsequent
chapters that David’s son Amnon raped his half-sister Tamar. David was furious at this, but did nothing to
discipline Amnon, perhaps because of his own inward guilt over the events with
Bathsheba. He had lost the moral authority
to discipline or seek accountability from his sons (cf. 1 Kings
1:6). Tamar’s brother Absalom completely
lost respect for his father. He took
revenge by arranging for Amnon to be murdered, and he later conspired against
David and dishonoured him by lying with his father’s concubines in broad
daylight. However, he was killed in the
civil war that resulted from his conspiracy.
David almost lost his throne through this war! Nearing the time of David’s death, Adonijah
thought he had a right to the throne and proclaimed himself to be the next
king, but he was later executed by Solomon after he himself ascended to the
throne. Sin exacts its price from us, and the all-round price that David
paid for his sin was bitter indeed,
a deeply grievous, unholy and toxic mess in his family which, in his case,
he could never put right (Rom. 6:23).
If David had resolved in his earlier years that he would never
commit the sin of adultery, just as Joseph had resolved the same for himself
many years earlier, if he had discerned what was really going on when Bathsheba
exposed herself to him, and if he had resisted this temptation when it was
presented to him, then the tragic events that followed would not have happened.
Bathsheba was nothing more than an opportunistic social ladder
climber who used men to climb higher and higher. She had no love for her husband Uriah, and
she used his absence from home to pursue her next goal. Her self-ambitious scheming knew no bounds:
she had her eyes on the throne, together with its power and influence. The fact that David was already a married man
meant nothing to her. So at a certain
time in her monthly cycle when she thought she was likely to get pregnant, she
positioned herself in a place where she reckoned that he would be able to see
her, and then shamelessly used her physical beauty and even her nakedness while
bathing, to attract his attention. All
that was then needed was a knowing smile or a particular look in the eye, and a
spark flew between them. An invitation
for her to come up to his room followed soon after, and the rest is history. As we would say these days, Bathsheba slept
her way to the top.
It would perhaps have helped if David were to have been aware of
the counsel contained in the Testament of Reuben which was written many years
later: ‘Pay no heed to the face of a woman, nor associate with another man’s
wife, nor meddle with the affairs of womankind... By means of their adornment they deceive
first [the man’s] mind, and by the glance of the eye they instil the poison,
and then through the accomplished act they take them captive.’[2]
The enjoyment of sexual pleasure within the bond of a faithful
marriage relationship is a blessing, but to seek it outside of marriage in an
adulterous relationship is highly destructive.
It really is to play with fire, but remember that fire does spread and
many people do get burned!
Like a blind and brainless fool, David fell hook, line and sinker
for Bathsheba’s bait, and she was then well on the way to achieving her
long-term goal. And when their son Solomon
became king after David’s death, Bathsheba finally became the queen mother, a
position of great influence over the king and royal court. The momentary heat of sexual passion blinded
David to both Bathsheba’s underlying motives and to the potential consequences
of what he was getting involved in. As a
father, the example he set for his sons was reprehensible, and it led directly
to the calamitous consequences in his family which are described above. Adultery is a sin which will destroy
both a marriage and a family, and this example of David and Bathsheba ought to
be a salutary lesson to every man who is a husband and father.
[1] https://quotefancy.com/samuel-logan-brengle-quotes, accessed 27.03.2022.
[2] The Testament of Reuben 3:10, 5:3.
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