‘Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly
broken.’ (Eccl. 4:12)
The first and perhaps
most foundational point which, when practised, will enable a couple to build their
marriage on a strong foundation, is that of a cord consisting of three strands
intertwined together. This refers to God
being at the centre of and thoroughly integrated into their marriage
relationship (and later into their family life in consequence). The wider context of Genesis 2:24 is that of
a man and woman having been created by God to live first and foremost in
relationship with him and then with each other.
Marriage was instituted originally in the wider context of relationship
with God, so his intention was that it should be a cord of three intertwined
strands; husband, wife and God.
God’s ideal is therefore
that a married couple should recognise that he needs to be at the centre of
their relationship. This of course
presupposes that they are a believing couple.
As believers, each partner lives individually in spiritual union with
God through the Holy Spirit who dwells within them (1 Cor. 6:17). So when they are married in covenant union together,
God then lives in spiritual union with them as a couple. So this three-fold cord, as the writer of Ecclesiastes
put it above, is in fact a three-fold spiritual union in Christ.
This is not true of two
non-believers who are married together.
Their union is a cord of only two strands. However, as the verse above indicates, a cord
of two strands can also stand strong, and the couple can defend
themselves. Such marriages can certainly
succeed and become a life-long union, but such couples will not know the real
deep blessing that having God at the centre of marriage and family life can and
does bring. But a spiritual union of
three strands in Christ is the ideal, and it cannot be easily or quickly broken. It can indeed be broken, certainly if enough
pressure of whatever nature is applied to it to drive the couple apart, but it
is not easily or quickly broken. With
three strands, a marriage is much better placed to successfully withstand the
storms and pressures of life.
The question that this
begs is therefore: what does it mean to have God living in union with, at
the centre of and integrated into a marriage relationship?
When my wife and I got
married, we developed a habit of praying together regularly. We were both believers and had both been
involved in serving God in ministry prior to getting married. We both knew what it was to seek God in our
personal lives, but being married together gave us the opportunity to regularly
pray together. What we discovered is
that we often experienced the deep, strong and tangible presence of God with us
as we were spending time seeking him together (much as we had experienced him
with us as individuals before we were married).
This underlined to me personally what it means to be a spiritual union
of three strands. God was with us individually,
but also with us as a couple: we could know and experience his presence with us
together as we sought him, so as we prayed, we were in fact three persons
together in the room.
It is this presence of
God with a couple which seals their marriage as a three-fold union. The benefits of this in their marriage are
many and varied. They have the assurance
that he is walking with them through their life together. They can stay close to him, both as
individuals and as a couple, for as long as they continue to seek him and
thereby sustain the strength and vitality of their spiritual lives. He will protect, guide and provide at all
times and for all their needs, according to his word and promises. They do not have to walk through the
situations and challenges of life and family in their own human weakness and
worldly wisdom. Instead, they can
subjectively know and experience his divine strength, grace and wisdom with
them, sustaining them along every path of the journey they are on together, at
every turn in the road, and at every difficult or challenging point along the
way. As they go through difficult or
challenging circumstances, they can determine to walk hand-in-hand together
with God, and they emerge as better and stronger people. Everything they do and every decision they
make, can be done or taken through seeking God and knowing his wisdom and
guidance. As the old saying goes: a
couple that pray together, stay together!
It is important for each partner to recognise
and honour God’s order in this three-fold union. Each partner should put God first in their
life: he is first, and their partner is second. We should never make the mistake, consciously
or unconsciously, of getting in the way of or hindering our partner’s
relationship with God. We cannot
and should never try to usurp the place of God in our partner’s life, or to somehow
push God aside in our partner’s life.
We were made to relate to God in the first place, and then to our spouse. We were not given a spouse so that s/he should
become number one in our life; that is God’s place alone. For her husband, the wife is exclusively number
one among women, but before God she is number two. She was created to be his companion and
helper, not to usurp God’s place in his life.
And vice versa, of course. When
each partner is relating individually to God as they should, then things will
go well between them, but otherwise they will become frustrated and their relationship
will limp at best.
Going further, being in
a threefold union does not simplistically mean reading the Bible and praying
every day, or going to church together every Sunday. It certainly involves those things, but it
also means that a couple have to allow the teachings of the word of God to
challenge and inform them about how they should live together and relate as a
believing husband and wife, and how they should parent and bring up their
children in the nurture and fear of the Lord, and so on. They must both seek to practise the
word of God and allow it to transform them in such a way that they grow as
individual disciples of Christ within the context of their relationship
together. Being in a church
which teaches the word of God soundly, and in which believers can develop
healthy relationships with other believers, helps tremendously.
When a spouse sees that
their partner responds positively to the teachings of the word of God, and
tries to put these into practice, then this deepens the love and respect they
have for them. In times of conflict or
misunderstanding, they can each know the grace of God working in them to
forgive their partner, and learn how to adjust and adapt to living with
him/her, so that, instead of conflicts potentially driving them apart, these
actually draw them closer together as they each allow God to work in their life
as individuals.
As husband and wife,
and as father and mother, a couple must submit and commit themselves to
learning and growing together as they seek to understand and apply biblical
principles to every area of their life.
It is then that they truly grow in the grace of God together and, over
the many years of their married life, they slowly but surely become the
transformed people that God would have them be.
Husbands and fathers become better, wiser and more godly husbands and
fathers, and, wives and mothers become better, wiser and more godly wives and
mothers. Godliness in practice
binds a couple together.
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