One of the secrets of successful parenting
is that parents demonstrate and express love and care to their children, but
they are also at the same time not afraid of combining this with giving them
firm discipline when needed. All
children need love, affirmation and appropriate discipline from a young age in
order to grow later into healthy adults, but discipline should always be given
by the parents in the context of ongoing close relationship with their
children. Put simply, successful
parenting stems from committed ongoing relationship involving each of love,
affirmation and discipline.
Furthermore, although mothers certainly
can and should discipline their children when needed, discipline is
necessarily part of the father’s role.
It is clear from simple observation in life, that many mothers often
struggle to effectively discipline their sons, especially in the period after
puberty kicks in. This demands that the
father commit himself to develop meaningful and close relationship with his
son(s) as they grow, as the context within which he can successfully give his
son both the love and discipline he needs.
To grow up and become solid, mature adult young men, boys need not
just a mother but also the firm discipline and mentoring of a father. Sons who grow up with such fathers normally
end up with a great deal of respect for them, and they then use this model with
their own children when they too become parents:
‘Moreover, we
have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it.’ (Heb. 12:9).
‘He will die
for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.’ (Prov. 5:23)
‘He who heeds
discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others
astray.’ (Prov. 10:17)
‘He who
spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline
him.’ (Prov. 13:24)
‘Folly is
bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far
from him.’ (Prov.
22:15)
In this regard, the penultimate judge of
Israel, Eli, who is perhaps one of the lesser known and less discussed
characters in the word of God, provides us with an example of how not to
be a father. Eli was a weak and
ineffective man. He lacked the strength
of character to discipline his sons properly as they grew up, and he never
dealt properly with the immoral women who were hanging around the tabernacle
area. A very simple truism in life is
that if a child grows up without discipline, then they also tend not to develop
the self-discipline necessary to succeed in adult life. In fact, they tend to despise discipline and
authority. Furthermore, as they grow
physically and begin to become more independent, they reach a stage where it is
then almost impossible to train and discipline them. It’s too late! The saying, “Give me a child until he is
five, and I will give you the man,” is true.
Discipline has to start early, in infancy.
All children have to learn from their parents where
appropriate boundaries are set. Boundaries and appropriate behaviour are
learned in experience, so they have to be set, taught and held to by
parents. To reinforce boundaries,
parents should always apply appropriate sanctions and follow through on these
whenever boundaries are transgressed. A
transgression that is not dealt with through applying an appropriate sanction,
becomes acceptable behaviour in the mind of a child, simply because they got
away with it.
Eli did not discipline his sons, Hophni
and Phinehas. Therefore, as they grew
up, by default they observed, learnt and finally imitated the worst of
behaviours that they saw around them in other people:
‘For I told
him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his
sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them.’ (1 Sam. 3:13)
Eli was the priest and spiritual leader of
the people of God, but he did not honour God by teaching his own sons to fear
the Lord and to have even some basic respect for the environment and rites of
the tabernacle! (1 Sam. 2:12-17,22-25).
He missed his opportunity by failing in his domestic responsibility as a
father at home when his sons were younger.
He taught the people of God, but he failed to train his own sons. The fruit of this was open and thoroughly
embarrassing public failure for him before the whole nation when his sons were
older (1 Sam. 2:22). If you want to avoid being embarrassed
in public, then apply discipline in private in the home as your children grow
up.
This sad scenario eventually resulted in both his and their untimely
deaths, as God’s judgement came on Eli’s family line and brought shame and
defeat on the nation (1 Sam. 2:27-36, ch.4).
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