‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have
in common? Or what fellowship can light
have with darkness? What harmony is
there between Christ and Belial? What
does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?’ (2 Cor. 6:14-15)
The reference in these verses to not
being yoked together with unbelievers brings to mind a passage in the Old
Testament where we are given wise counsel not to try to plough a field with an
ox and donkey yoked together:
‘Do not plough with an ox and a donkey yoked together.’ (Deut. 22:10)
In my travels abroad, I
once saw a farmer in his field trying to do just that: he had a bull yoked
together with a donkey and was trying to make them go forward together. However, as I watched, they were stood fast where
they were and wouldn’t move at all. My
guess is that in spite of the bull perhaps wanting to move forward, the
stubborn donkey was staying rooted to the spot and wouldn’t move at all. So the farmer was getting nowhere and making
zero progress with his field.
The apostle Paul uses
this as an image of what it is like for a believer to be married with an
unbeliever. Although vv.14-15 above do
not explicitly mention marriage as their context, yet Paul is making a general
point in regard to our relationships as believers with unbelievers. And because marriage is certainly a form of
yoke, in which two people are joined up and walk through life together, these
verses are applied to marriage by many if not all pastors in their teaching.
The practical
implication of this principle for marriage is quite simple: regardless of how
much a believer may want to move forward and progress in the things of God, an
unbelieving spouse will consistently hold them back and be a hindrance to their
progress. Furthermore, vv.14-15 outline
other aspects of the unequal yoke of a believer to an unbeliever in
marriage. Essentially, there is a clash
of two opposing spiritual kingdoms working in their marriage and home (cf.
Matt. 10:34-36). The unbeliever’s life
is controlled by the spiritual darkness of the dominion of Belial (aka
Satan), whereas the believer desires to walk in the light of the kingdom of God
in Christ. The mind and heart of the one
is controlled by sinful affections and allegiance to the carnal life of this
world, whereas the mind and heart of the other is controlled and led by the
indwelling Spirit of God (Rom. 8:5-8).
So, although there may
well be genuine love, affection and fondness between the couple in many ways on
a human level, yet there is a very distinct line drawn which separates and
divides them. When it comes to issues
such as sin and walking in the ways of the kingdom of God, the couple are
divided against each other. One of them
pulls one way, or simply refuses to budge or change, while the other tries to
pull the other way. So the word of God,
prayer, and discussing the things of God in the home and among family can
become a frequent and perhaps even a major battleground between the couple, as
does the believer’s desire to attend church freely. In this area, the
couple have nothing in common, they have no fellowship of sharing together, and
all too often there is no harmony between them.
As a pastor, I have
seen this truth borne out in the experience of many couples where a believer is
married to (or in a cohabitation relationship with) an unbeliever. Paul’s counsel is very simple: if you are
still single as a believer, then don’t even think of going down the path of
marrying an unbeliever. It is a path in
which you will experience much frustration, unhappiness and grief over the
years. Entrust to God the issue of whom
you will marry, and resolve to stay single until he brings into your life a
suitable believing partner to marry. The
issue which separates believers from unbelievers is essentially spiritual,
therefore believers should only marry believers (cf. 1 Cor. 7:39).
Marry someone who believes and is in the kingdom of God.
A believer choosing
to marry an unbeliever
From a pastoral perspective, I have discovered
three main reasons why a believer (or someone who professes to follow the way
of Christ) may choose to get married to an unbeliever. These three reasons are described and
discussed below.
1. Lack of
resolve in following Christ
I have no doubt that many pastors in
westernised cultures have seen young adult female believers in particular, who
are of marriageable age and wanting to meet the special person of their life,
who get tempted into a relationship with a young man who is not a
believer. They are evidently attracted
to this person and they get involved in a relationship with them. However, their attendance at church and their
spiritual life in general then begin to suffer and take an inevitable
nosedive. In some cases, the young man
may even come to church and profess faith in Christ. The female all too often justifies herself by
expressing a hope that somehow after they are married, her partner will become
a believer, grow in faith, and they can begin to follow Christ together.
So she gets married to him, but only to
find out and realise afterwards when it is too late, that actually her partner
is not really interested at all in following Christ. Any profession of faith on his part was not
real, it was feigned, and only done in an effort to make her accept him. In short, she was deceived, but in fact, the
real root of the problem was lack of resolve on the girl’s part. She did not really accept the teaching of 2
Corinthians 6:14-15 and trust the Lord to provide a believing partner for her
at the right time. So frankly, and to
put it bluntly, she thought she knew better than God and acted in wilful
disobedience to his word. Of course,
this generic scenario can also be played out in the life of a believing young
adult male who similarly makes a wrong choice to marry an unbelieving young
woman.
Believers should not be naïve on this
point: if an unbeliever does not respect your faith or truly receive Christ
before your heart gets entangled in a relationship with them, then they are
hardly likely to do so after you get married.
The likelihood is that they will drag you away from the things of God,
and you will end up living a life which is compromised with the carnality of
the world. You will have a divided
heart and divided loyalties. You may well get only limited
opportunities to attend church meetings.
And how will you bring your children up with regards to the faith? The least you can expect is that these things
will have to become an ongoing point of negotiation with your partner, or
perhaps even a contentious battlefield within your own home, depending on your
partner’s attitude to your faith. In
short, you will know frustration and unhappiness in your marriage and family life,
but you will also know that you have to live with the choice you have made (cf.
Rom. 7:2).
The challenge, especially to young adult
believers, is this: choose to surrender this part of your life and commit it to
God. Resolve before him that you will
marry only the person (a believer) that he will bring into your life. Don’t be in a rush to get married: it is not
a panacea which will make you completely happy in life, and it certainly should not be used as an escape route out of a difficult situation at home. The simple truth is that if you marry the wrong person, you
will experience much heartbreak in life. However, God is faithful, so you can trust him to provide you with a believing
partner at the right time. Make this
choice and live in this resolve as much as you are free to do so. Understand clearly the underlying spiritual
dynamic of a clash of kingdoms which is at stake if you marry an unbeliever,
and therefore resist any temptation to do this.
Present western society is so drowned in
sexual immorality of many kinds that it has lost any perspective on the value
of chastity, singleness and celibacy.
Its individualistic and hedonistic emphasis on satisfying self-centred
instincts, needs and desires without the need for self-restraint has led far
too many people down a path which has had destructive consequences for their life.
When he was counselling the early
believers in Corinth, many of whom had come to faith in Christ from a
background of immorality, the apostle Paul took pains to emphasise to them the
value of singleness and chastity (i.e. remaining sexually pure outside
marriage). Firstly, there is the obvious
fact that young adult believers, who choose to follow the path of sexual purity
and singleness as they follow Christ (until such time as they find a suitable
marriage partner who is a believer), will avoid the problems and emotional
entanglements which are always caused by getting involved unwisely in
relationships with unbelievers.
Secondly, Paul points out that embracing
adult life as a single believer can still be very fulfilling. It frees a person from constantly craving
after the need to have a partner, and it also frees them from the constraints
and demands that married life and having children would necessarily place upon
them. Single people are much freer than
married people to serve God in many different ways in their church, in the
world of mission, and in the lives of the people and community around
them. Many young adults (and some older
ones too!) who serve God fruitfully in the world of mission resolve to remain
single until such time as the Lord gives them a partner of his choosing. They are then free 24-7 to focus on serving
the Lord in whatever work he has given them to do. Paul himself had chosen this path: he stayed
unmarried, so that he could serve the Lord as fully as possible in his
apostolic call. His own perspective was
clear: we have only got one life and it does pass by quickly, so let’s
use it to the full to serve God with the freedom we have while we are single. However, he also emphasised that if a
believer really cannot endure to remain unmarried, then they are still free at
any time to marry a believer.
One of the fruits of this approach is that
for as long as we remain single and are resolved to follow the Lord fully, then
we grow and develop in terms of our personal discipleship, and we also develop
experience and skills in serving him. If
we then eventually marry a believer who has lived with a similar resolve in
their life, then it is certain that God will be first in our marriage
relationship and in our home, because we are marrying a committed and discipled
Christian. Therefore, our marriage and home
life will be built on a strong Christian foundation. It is a very helpful principle to
encourage single, young Christian adults to determine that they will marry not
simply a believer, but one who has already proven themself in terms of walking with
God. And believe me, such a
person really is worth waiting for!
Singleness can then be viewed positively as a God-given opportunity to
continue to grow in faith and in personal discipleship while we wait for God to
eventually guide us to the right person.
‘It is
good for a man not to marry.’ (1 Cor.
7:1)
‘Now to
the unmarried and widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I
am. But if they cannot control
themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with
passion.’ (1 Cor.
7:8-9)
‘But if
you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a virgin marries she has not
sinned. But those who marry will face
many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.’ (1 Cor. 7:28)
‘An
unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs – how he can please the
Lord. But a married man is concerned
about the affairs of this world – how he can please his wife – and his
interests are divided. An unmarried
woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted
to the Lord in both body and spirit. But
a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world – how she can
please her husband. I am saying this for
your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in
undivided devotion to the Lord.’ (1 Cor.
7:32-35)
‘If
anyone thinks he is acting improperly towards the virgin he is engaged to, and
if she is getting on in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as
he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. But the man who has settled the matter in his
own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who
has made up his mind not to marry the virgin – this man also does the right
thing. So then, he who marries the
virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better.’ (1 Cor. 7:36-38)
2. Cultural
pressure and expectation
Secondly, in non-westernised cultures in
which Christianity is still a minority faith and in which therefore biblical
teaching has not yet made great inroads in terms of deeply transforming
cultural practices, there can be very real pressure placed upon believers to
marry according to the age-old customs and traditions of the culture. Believers can face the strong expectation
(and sometimes the demand) that they will marry according to custom, which may
therefore mean that they enter into a marriage relationship which has been arranged
for them by the respective sets of parents (perhaps also with the involvement
of a matchmaker). So their partner not
only may not be a believer in Christ, s/he may well be of a different faith
altogether.
Although I do believe that the grace of
God is still with a believer in such a marriage, yet much of what I said above
is true also in this scenario. In
particular, the spiritual divide between the believer and their perhaps still
unbelieving family members, between the believer and unbeliever as marriage
partners, and between the believer and potentially a whole set of unbelieving
in-laws, can be stark, with the believer surrounded daily by beliefs, practices,
traditions and expectations which are in conflict with their faith and with
biblical teaching. This will inevitably
expose the believer to a level of ongoing spiritual warfare which can be
intense, and the battleground over the expression and practice of their faith
in Christ can be fierce within the extended family, even potentially resulting
in persecution. The challenge which such
a believer faces is to learn how to navigate this journey over the long term of
their life by the grace of God, while keeping their own faith in Christ alive
and fresh.
Many traditional cultures practice ‘endogamous
marriage,’ i.e. the expectation that one should get married to someone from
within one’s own particular cultural group, tribe or nation. So ‘like marries like,’ or ‘we marry one of
our own kind, someone like us.’ However,
people are becoming increasingly open to the concept of ‘exogamous marriage,’
i.e. getting married cross-culturally to someone who is from outside their own
cultural group, and who is therefore considered to be ‘a foreigner.’ Although exogamous marriage does present its
own challenges, certainly in understanding one’s partner and their family, yet all-round
it is a deeply enriching experience. The
worldwide body of Christ has a depth and richness of cultural diversity within
it, and there are many examples of successful cross-cultural exogamous
marriage in church life nowadays. My underlying
point is that it is better to marry exogamously with a believer whom you have
met in the church community, than to marry endogamously with an unbeliever (if
that were your only other choice), as in this way the kingdom of God will be honoured
and will be central to your marriage and home life.
3. Remarriage
after divorce
Thirdly, in modern westernised cultures,
because divorce is unfortunately such a widespread reality, believers who have
been divorced (either once or twice) can and do face the temptation to re-marry
sometimes with an unbeliever (who may perhaps feign faith in Christ for this
very purpose). The inner soul rip caused
by a broken marriage and separation causes divorced people to crave the
wholeness and fulfilment in life which being married previously gave them. People are also constantly fed the deception
and lie that only by being in a relationship (and being married) can they be
happy, healed and fulfilled. This is not
true, of course. Although human
companionship can meet many needs in our life, yet true happiness, deep inner
healing and fulfilment ultimately come only through living a life which is
surrendered to Christ in every way, in which he becomes the life of our life
and we find him as our greatest and most intimate heart friend. But if there is no surrender to God of the
issue of marriage, and no resolve to let him have his way in our life as to whether
we marry or not, then we simply continue to crave after being married. As a result, some believers make a wrong
choice with consequences similar to those I have described above.
Becoming a believer after
marrying as an unbeliever
Another common form of
the unequal yoke is when two people marry as unbelievers and then one of them
becomes a believer at a later stage of life.
I have seen many examples of this.
Love, affection and fondness between the couple are therefore often
genuine and deep, but again the inevitable clash of spiritual kingdoms develops
within their home. The believer (and it
is often the wife) faces the ongoing challenge of negotiating this pathway
through their life together.
The unbelieving partner
has expectations of their spouse in terms of the way they have built their life
and the way they have done life together.
Invariably, there are also often children still in the process of being
brought up. So the believing spouse will
find that there may well be constraints and limitations regarding church
attendance and taking part in some church activities, especially during
midweek. There may also be limitations
on the overt expression of their faith within the home either verbally, or in
terms of Bible study, prayer or inviting other believers around. The unbelieving partner may resist to
whatever degree the attempts of their spouse to witness to them about Christ,
and the attendance or otherwise of children at church meetings needs to be
negotiated with the unbelieving partner.
The apostles Peter and
Paul both touch on this form of unequal yoke, suggesting therefore that it was
a common issue facing believers in the early church period, as many people came
to faith in Christ. Although some
couples do come to faith in Christ together at the same time, or one follows
shortly after the other, yet this is not true of every couple. Not every marriage partner receives Christ at
the same time as their spouse. In fact,
some spouses come to faith only after many years, and some never come to faith
at all.
Peter emphasises the
need for believing partners (in this case wives) to be careful not to overdo it
in terms of witnessing verbally to their husbands in attempting to bring them
to Christ. Men do not convert easily,
and they certainly won’t receive Christ if they feel that they are having the
word of God shoved down their throats all the time! That is more likely to put them off and drive
them away from Christ. Peter’s counsel
to believing wives is to make sure they display the grace of Christ to their
unbelieving spouse in terms of their general submissiveness, their transformed
life and their behaviour. For a husband,
an example of a transformed life lived out before him daily is undeniable. It is far more measurable and convincing, and
is therefore more likely to convince him of the truth and bring him to living
faith in Christ:
‘Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if
any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the
behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.’
(1 Peter 3:1-2)
Furthermore, the
believing partner must understand that they are still bound in covenant to
their spouse, even though s/he is an unbeliever. There is no easy and convenient escape clause
allowing a believer to separate in order ‘to be free, so that I can fully be who
I am now in Christ,’ simply because their partner is not a believer. The grounds that Paul gives for separation in
this form of unequal yoke is when the unbelieving partner no longer wishes to
live with the believer and walks away, abandoning them. There is no guarantee that the unbelieving
partner will become a believer anyway, so in such circumstances the believer is
released from the marriage bond and is free to re-marry (with a believer). However, if the believing partner is being
treated very wrongly by their unbelieving spouse (for example, in cases of
domestic violence), then I believe that common sense ought to prevail and
separation should occur if the unbeliever remains intransigent and refuses to
change. Unreasonable behaviour and the irretrievable
breakdown of a marriage constitute a valid ground for separation and divorce in
the UK.
‘To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a
wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not
divorce her. And if a woman has a
husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not
divorce him. For the unbelieving husband
has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been
sanctified through her believing husband.
Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are
holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let
him do so. A believing man or woman is
not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save
your husband? Or, how do you know,
husband, whether you will save your wife?’ (1 Cor. 7:12-16)
Being married to a
believer who does not seem to grow spiritually
One area for a believing couple in
married life which often results in frustration, particularly on the part of
the wife, is caused when one partner (often the husband) does not grow
spiritually as perhaps they should, while their partner (often the wife)
develops much more zeal for the things of God and grows much faster. I have seen this scenario several times over
the years in church life as a pastor.
Although this is not a case of the couple being in an unequal yoke,
because they are both believers, yet when it comes to taking responsibility for
the growth of their spiritual life, the development of their giftedness, zeal
for the things of God, taking part in church life, and so on, over the years a
difference does develop between them and they are no longer on the same level
spiritually. The wife often outstrips
the husband in terms of her all-round personal spiritual growth. They have unequal spiritual growth
rates in their lives.
In response to this, I
encourage the frustrated partner not to focus simply on spiritual growth. Spiritual growth is indeed important, and
this can certainly take place over the long term in their partner’s life with
grace and patience, with perseverance in prayer, and with slow but sure
discipleship. However, it is helpful to
take an all-round and total view of married life and family, rather than simply
focusing on the spiritual aspects of our life.
The other parts of our life, such as our spiritual character, caring for
our marriage relationship, raising our children, and so on, are still very much
of value and importance to God. Your
partner may be a righteous and godly person, and a very good spouse and parent
to your children. It is useful also to
get to know how your spouse is gifted, in terms of their all-round God-given
talents, their developed skills, and their spiritual gifts. Some people are more gifted in terms of their
talents and life skills, rather than in terms of spiritual gifts, and these talents
and skills, be they practical or administrative, are certainly very useful and
indeed necessary in the life of any church.
It is in such areas that your spouse may excel, rather than in terms of
spiritual gifts. If your spouse does find
their niche in such areas, then you can certainly develop a sense of walking in
an equal yoke together, serving the Lord as a couple, albeit in different ways.
However, it is
important also to try to get to the root of exactly what is hindering your
spouse’s spiritual growth. Is it a feeling
of inadequacy about taking responsibility for their own spiritual growth? Or is it their own traditions which hold them
back? Or is it simply carnality and the
love of this world? Or are they being
hindered because of bondage to sin in a particular area of their life? Or did they perhaps have a bad experience
previously in another church and have not yet dealt with the effects of this
upon their life? As you discover the
answers to these questions, and perhaps to others as well, your pastor and his
wife will be able to counsel you as to which way forward is appropriate.
Yoked in ministry:
serving God together as husband and wife
Another scenario where
a significant difference – and to me this is an unhealthy difference – may
develop in the spiritual lives of husband and wife, is in church communities in
which the overt headship role of men/husbands is emphasised as leaders, preachers
and teachers, and so on, and the role of women/wives is relegated, and
sometimes strictly so, to subservience and practical serving, whether in the
home or in the church community. This is
the old-style, traditional, but now very much outdated ‘women should only serve
tea and coffee, do the cleaning, and look after the children’ type of scenario.
The ongoing consequence
of this scenario, is invariably that those women/wives who may indeed be
spiritually minded and gifted, are unable to develop themselves by taking an
appropriate part in church meetings and ministry. However, if such a scenario is played out
long term, then what is effectively an unequal yoke develops between husband
and wife. The husband’s spiritual growth
and experience in ministry continues to grow (assuming that he is spiritually
active), whereas the wife’s spiritual development may well lag behind. So as husband and wife they become very
unequal when it comes to their overall development and experience in terms of
doing spiritual ministry, and in consequence they no longer really know or
understand each other in some significant ways.
Our own practice over
the years as a couple has always been to see ourselves as working in a yoke
together as we serve the Lord, much as Aquila and Priscilla worked together as
a couple in ministry (Acts 18:2,26; Rom. 16:3; 1 Cor. 16:19; 2 Tim 4:19). We both proactively support and encourage
each other to develop ourselves in every way possible in terms of doing
ministry, both in developing skills and in practising spiritual gifts, and so we
each make sure that the other has plenty of opportunity to practice and develop
themself. We are not insecure about
this, because we know that for our ministry together to be successful and
maximally fruitful over the long term, then we need to yoke our different areas
of giftedness together. We need to
embrace our complete skill and gift mix as a couple. I need my wife with me in ministry and so I
also need her to continue to develop and, vice versa, she needs me with her and
so she also needs me to continue to develop.
Over the years, as we have grown and learned together, we have been very
fruitful as a couple, and we have successfully avoided any kind of unequal yoke
developing between us.
Renewed singleness after the death of your spouse
Being bereaved by the death of one’s
spouse leads into a period of grief and mourning, and this life-changing event
deeply affects anyone who experiences it, especially if the marriage was long
and happy. The period of grief can well be
long if the death was unexpected, and/or if the two partners were deeply bonded
in their relationship. In time, as the
surviving spouse deals with and comes through their period of grief, then they
can choose either to remain single or to re-marry. Sometimes this issue is strongly influenced
within a given culture by the expectation that a widowed (woman) should remain
single for the rest of her life, but biblical counsel is freer on this point
(cf. Rom. 7:2-3).
The apostle Paul addressed the issue of
widowhood in his first epistle to Timothy.
Apart from the contextual issue of providing practical support for
widows (at a time when there were no pensions or state benefits to help them),
his counsel was that younger women who had been widowed ought to re-marry,
since they may well develop the desire to have another spouse. However, older women who were widowed and
were therefore in a period of renewed singleness, had an opportunity to use
their freedom to dedicate the focus of their life on serving the Lord in some
kind of ministry activity. He encouraged
them to live with this perspective by choosing to stay unmarried. However, they were also free to re-marry with
a believer, if they so chose.
It is thought by many commentators that
the ‘list of (older) widows’ who had proven themselves by bearing a good
testimony in their faith in various different ways, were a form of nascent
early church mission organisation. In
their case, and in that day, they could receive some form of practical support
from the wider church family as they pledged and dedicated their life to serving
the Lord in some form of ministry in the community around them. So again, Paul emphasised the value of singleness
and renewed chastity as being an avenue through which a believer could find significance,
fulfilment and fruitfulness in their life as they dedicated themself fully to serve
the Lord:
‘Now to…
widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they
should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.’ (1 Cor. 7:8-9)
‘As
for younger widows, do not put them on such a list. For when their sensual desires overcome their
dedication to Christ, they want to marry.
Thus they bring judgement on themselves, because they have broken their
first pledge. Besides, they get into the
habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also
gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not to. So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have
children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for
slander. Some have in fact already
turned away to follow Satan.’
(1 Tim. 5:11-15)
‘…the
widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives… No widow may be put on the list of widows
unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is well known
for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing
the feet of the saints, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all
kinds of good deeds.’
(1 Tim. 5:5,9-10)
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